My Biggest Fear

Friday night my Mom, sister and I had a girls night in and watched Bad Moms. It was a ton of fun. Afterwards we started talking and one of the questions that came up was what our biggest fear is. I named "getting my foot stuck in a stirrup if I'm thrown from a horse" and "being attacked." Although those are fears of mine they are not my biggest fear.

 My biggest fear right now? It's not being able to get pregnant and carry to term. Not only does PCOS make ovulating harder it also increases your chances for a miscarriage. So I'm scared.

I'm scared that Mike and I will spend 3 years shaping our lives around getting pregnant for it to not happen.

I'm scared that we will get pregnant and we'll have to go through a miscarriage.

I'm afraid that I'll never be called "Mama."

I'm afraid that I'll never get the chance to decorate the nursery I want. (Theme: Baby Farm Animals btw)

I'm afraid that I'll wake up one day and realize we've run out of options.

I'm scared that Mike will be disappointed in me as a wife that I couldn't make him a father.

I'm scared that I will have to go through life not knowing what it feels like to carry a child, or hold their tiny hand, or look into their sweet face and see my husband staring back at me.

I'm afraid that I'll get so lost in this journey that I forget to love and appreciate the wonderful things in my life.

I'm afraid that I won't be able to see my Mom play with my child.

I'm afraid I won't get a chance to teach my child how to ride a horse or to see Mike teach them how to fish.

I'm afraid I will grow more and more bitter as the loved ones around me seem to have children so easily.

I'm scared that the letters I've written to my children over the years (yes, years) won't be read.

I'm scared that I won't be able to pass down the beautiful bouquet from our wedding.

That I won't get to see our child grow up and change their little corner of the world.

I'm afraid I will never have the child I have prayed and longed for.

The thing of it is. I have not been on this journey long. A year. For so many women that is a drop in the bucket in comparison to the years they have struggled to conceive. My heart aches for the women and couples in this situation in a way that I never imagined. I read blog after blog about couples trying to conceive, one currently 10 weeks along with twins, another recently going through a miscarriage, another still fighting to conceive after 4 years of trying and I can't help but cry for all of them. Tears of sadness and joy as I read their entries, mirroring so many of my own thoughts, feelings, and hopes....and fears.

This has been where my head is at the last few days. I'm working on getting back into a more positive headspace since that is what this journey needs. You have to remain positive as much as humanly possible. The what ifs, the fears, the uncertainties, the unanswered questions, the BFNs, and everything in between can drag you down so fast if you let it. But that's what this blog is for. I'm not here to sugarcoat it. I'm here to share my thoughts as we wait for our Mini Bays. Now that it's in the open, written down, acknowledged. I can move forward. These fears will always linger but I refuse to dwell on them any longer. Here's to being afraid and saddling up anyway. 😏

Happy Thanksgiving

Bonus post!

So I figured since it's one of my very favorite holidays I would share the things I am most thankful for this year. I would LOVE to know what you all are thankful for in the comments section.

My boy Mon

1) This year my Mom moved to Kentucky. Originally I am from Florida and my Mom swore up one side and down the other she would never move here. Welp. August of this year she was on her way here and I could not have been happier.

2) We purchased my dream horse. Honestly I haven't bonded with a horse like Mon in 10 years. He is just amazing.

3) My career. It offers so much growth and opportunity. My Dad worked for this company for over 20 years and I am proud to be a part of it.

I'm a bridesmaid for this gorgeous gal!!

 4) I was asked to be a bridesmaid for the first time for one of my besties. I am SO excited for their wedding next year. Even though he proposed when I wasn't in town.

5) My little sister and nephew moved here too from FL. It's been awesome to get to spend time with my 6 month old nephew and my sister for the first time in years.

View from the condo

6) My husband and I celebrated our first year of marriage and went on our first vacation.

                                                                                7) I am super thankful that I started taking riding lessons again. I feel like I found a piece of my heart that was missing. It's amazing to feel truly confident again in the saddle. I look forward to continuing and improving next year. Not to mention that my lesson buddy has become a dear friend.

Lessons w/Kelly are my favorite

8) Finally getting answers as to why we are struggling to TTC. As hard as it was to hear that something is actually wrong to have answers and a plan has helped.

9) Our furbabies. Most days our boys drive us crazy, the house is never as clean as I would like, and Sawyer barks his head off. But they are our babies and I don't know what life would be like without them.

10) Our friends and family. We have such a supportive group. So many of our friends and family have reached out and sent prayers and positive thoughts. This journey isn't easy but to have encouragement and support has made things a little easier.

11) My husband. Despite my mood swings, my incessant research that he has to listen to, constantly needing affirmation that he's OK with all of this, The Zoo he signed up for, the anxiety/stress ridden concerns I need to get off my chest, and to top it off I don't cook enough. LOL. He loves me. He sticks by me. He supports whatever crazy idea I have running around. He is patient and kind. He is my rock, my center, and I could not imagine going through this with anyone else.

On vacation celebrating our anniversary

No matter how bogged down we get in our trials there is always something to be thankful for. I am going to try and remember that while we tackle our own obstacles. I pray that this journey won't be long and that I will be able to share ultrasound pictures sooner than later. If that isn't what God has planned for us then I pray that we are able to help as many couples as possible that face these same challenges. We are all in this together.

The Vernon Gals together again!!

Getting Back On The Horse...So To Speak

Two days after my last blog post I ended up having an accident at the barn and had some significant damage done to my foot. I have been sulking, pouting, in a lot of pain, and on top of it I caught a cold and my cycle started. A week early. The worse part about it was a couple of days before I had a couple of very early pregnancy signs so I took a test. Of course it was yet another BFN and the next morning shark week started. So to say I have been off my game would be putting it lightly. I apologize to my husband, my mom, my co-workers, and friends for having to put up with me. Friday I got word that I could at least walk on my walking boot. Although I have to remain in it for another 3-4 weeks for the majority of the time that verdict was a lot better than a cast or surgery. So despite still being in pain and having to wear the walking boot I am maintaining a much more positive outlook these last couple of days. So with that being said it's time to get back on the horse.

I started looking up exercises I can do with limited mobility. There's no way I can even walk on a treadmill for an hour but the lady doctor said I needed to lose 10% of my body weight by the time we met next. Which means I need to be down roughly 20lbs by January 19th. Right in the middle of the holiday season. With a crippled foot. I'm going to be very happy with 15lbs. I'll be pretty happy with 10lbs. LOL. So that's where the focus is at these next few weeks. Going to get a better a handle on what I'm eating and also try and get a workout in 3-5x a week.  

Mike has been amazing these last couple of weeks. I mean, he's always amazing, but he's taken such good care of me. The Saturday before the accident with my foot I was a mess. I woke up a bit angry for no reason and once Mike was up and we were heading to town it was simmering beneath the surface. As we got to breakfast I was feeling a little more like myself and we had a nice time. After breakfast we headed to the grocery where I became irritated off and on throughout the trip. Once we left I knew something was off emotionally. (duh) As we were driving home I started crying out of nowhere and poor Mike is sitting there asking me what's wrong and I had no idea. I teared up off and on the drive home to the point where Mike asked me to pull over so I could just cry it out. Nope I wasn't having it, I was fine. So we got home and started cleaning house I ended up trying to pick a fight with Mike, and when he wouldn't take the bait I stomped my way back to the bathroom and ended up crying again. I kept pushing through it though and it wasn't until I was sitting on our bed, surrounded by a mountain of laundry, with "I've Been Redeemed" by Big Daddy Weave playing in the background and Mike leaning against the door frame asking if I was OK that I absolutely lost it. I mean I bawled like I haven't bawled since Molly died. Mike came over and just held me and kept asking what was wrong. Through sniffles and gulps of air I wailed that I had no idea. I think it was a mix of things. I think my hormones were all out of whack from the Metformin but I also think when you're dealing with infertility you're just going to have your "crazy" days. Luckily I have Mike. Which is who this little story is about. There is no other way to put it than God made us for one another. He is always so patient with me, waits on me hand and foot while I've been down, and has kept The Zoo running and happy. I don't know what I would do without him. He is going to be such an amazing Dad. I just keep praying that he'll get the chance. 

Mon meeting his next door neighbor when I dropped him off at the barn Tuesday morning. Did I mention that I loaded and hauled him to the barn 100% by myself?! I was pretty proud. :)

My foot a couple of days after it happened. 

Let's Answer Some Questions

I'm sure most of you are friends on my FB seeing what allllll the commotion is about. So here goes nothing.

On October 27th I was diagnosed with PCOS. What is PCOS? Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. It is the most common hormone disorder that causes problems with ovulation, roughly 1 in every 10 women deal with PCOS. Symptoms range from anxiety, depression, unwanted hair growth, acne, weight gain, mood swings, fatigue, irregular periods, infertility and cysts on your ovaries. One doesn't necessarily have to display all of these symptoms. For me it was anxiety, weight gain, fatigue, random chin hairs, irregular periods, infertility and on top of it I have over 20 ovarian cysts. The typical "string of pearls" the cysts are often called surrounding my ovaries. 

Mike and I have been trying to get pregnant for well over a year and haven't been preventing pregnancy for about two years. At the end of September I was so emotionally exhausted from trying to get pregnant that I was leaning heavily towards just not having kids. Going on birth control and just sticking my head in the sand. I was tired of wondering each month if this was going to be our month or if we were going to have another BFN (big fat negative.) I was tired of being asked when we were going to have kids when I wasn't sure if we could at all. I was tired of getting on FB and seeing another pregnancy announcement and wondering if it was ever going to be us. I felt so bad when I saw Mike's face fall when I told him my period started. I just didn't want to do it anymore. 

Luckily my Mom is amazing and knew that if I just gave up and didn't get any answers that I would regret it. So I made an appointment. I had my third pelvic ultrasound (where they stick a camera into you to see your uterus and ovaries....yep super fun), blood work, and then my follow up. Before the follow up appointment my Mom and I were pretty confident I had PCOS but to hear the official diagnosis was hard. 

The thing with PCOS is that it causes weight gain because it causes insulin resistance. What's the best way to combat PCOS? Lifestyle change. Healthier nutrition and exercise. So PCOS=weight gain. Weight loss=less PCOS symptoms. Seriously?! Why don't you just add that it sucks all the energy out of you too? Oh wait. It does. 

So that's what has been going on. I thought about dealing with this and keeping it in our home and with our close friends and family. But you're talking 1 in every 10 women have to go through this. So I'm sure there are women on my FB that may be facing this very thing. Who may feel just as lost, broken, and angry as I sometimes feel and I want you to know you are not alone. 

I also want to be able to share this journey with you. We're trying to start a family. The most exciting, miraculous, amazing blessing that can happen to a family and we're still not sure if it will happen for us. That's a scary reality. It's hard every month to wonder if this will be it. To go through the exhausting, nerve wracking tww (two week wait), to face another BFN, only to push all of those insecurities, anger, and sadness away to try again in 10-12 days. To take my temperature before I even get out of bed in the morning, to quit drinking coffee, to track my cycles, to make sure I remember my prenatal and Metformin pills in the morning, my Metformin pill at night, to get a workout in no matter how tired I am, to say no to bread and chocolate ice cream, to drive my husband crazy because I'm sitting on the bed bawling my eyes out, to go between pinning pregnancy announcements in the hopes of it being us, to pinning the feelings of dealing with PCOS, and to deal with all of the above alone just seemed too much. So I decided to share our journey.

This blog will not be all doom and gloom I promise!! Most days I am very positive in this journey. Mike has been amazing and has dealt with my mood swings and the side effects of the Metformin so well. I haven't gotten the best start in the lifestyle change in the last week, except for quitting coffee, but that gets started next week. So I'm planning on sharing our favorite recipes, the funny happenings around The Zoo, and other topics that strike my fancy. Hope you join us on our Adventure to our Miracle.