My Biggest Fear

Friday night my Mom, sister and I had a girls night in and watched Bad Moms. It was a ton of fun. Afterwards we started talking and one of the questions that came up was what our biggest fear is. I named "getting my foot stuck in a stirrup if I'm thrown from a horse" and "being attacked." Although those are fears of mine they are not my biggest fear.

 My biggest fear right now? It's not being able to get pregnant and carry to term. Not only does PCOS make ovulating harder it also increases your chances for a miscarriage. So I'm scared.

I'm scared that Mike and I will spend 3 years shaping our lives around getting pregnant for it to not happen.

I'm scared that we will get pregnant and we'll have to go through a miscarriage.

I'm afraid that I'll never be called "Mama."

I'm afraid that I'll never get the chance to decorate the nursery I want. (Theme: Baby Farm Animals btw)

I'm afraid that I'll wake up one day and realize we've run out of options.

I'm scared that Mike will be disappointed in me as a wife that I couldn't make him a father.

I'm scared that I will have to go through life not knowing what it feels like to carry a child, or hold their tiny hand, or look into their sweet face and see my husband staring back at me.

I'm afraid that I'll get so lost in this journey that I forget to love and appreciate the wonderful things in my life.

I'm afraid that I won't be able to see my Mom play with my child.

I'm afraid I won't get a chance to teach my child how to ride a horse or to see Mike teach them how to fish.

I'm afraid I will grow more and more bitter as the loved ones around me seem to have children so easily.

I'm scared that the letters I've written to my children over the years (yes, years) won't be read.

I'm scared that I won't be able to pass down the beautiful bouquet from our wedding.

That I won't get to see our child grow up and change their little corner of the world.

I'm afraid I will never have the child I have prayed and longed for.

The thing of it is. I have not been on this journey long. A year. For so many women that is a drop in the bucket in comparison to the years they have struggled to conceive. My heart aches for the women and couples in this situation in a way that I never imagined. I read blog after blog about couples trying to conceive, one currently 10 weeks along with twins, another recently going through a miscarriage, another still fighting to conceive after 4 years of trying and I can't help but cry for all of them. Tears of sadness and joy as I read their entries, mirroring so many of my own thoughts, feelings, and hopes....and fears.

This has been where my head is at the last few days. I'm working on getting back into a more positive headspace since that is what this journey needs. You have to remain positive as much as humanly possible. The what ifs, the fears, the uncertainties, the unanswered questions, the BFNs, and everything in between can drag you down so fast if you let it. But that's what this blog is for. I'm not here to sugarcoat it. I'm here to share my thoughts as we wait for our Mini Bays. Now that it's in the open, written down, acknowledged. I can move forward. These fears will always linger but I refuse to dwell on them any longer. Here's to being afraid and saddling up anyway. 😏